Dive Deep into Creativity: Your Ultimate Tumblr Experience Awaits
Ocd - Blog Posts
I'm just posting this to see if other people have the same feels as me.
Possible tw: dermatillomania, self harm
Sometimes when I don't have anything to pick at I end up wanting to make something to pick at. I know it's a terrible idea and I haven't done it and I don't plan on it because I know it's bad. But I still want to pick bad enough to think that. It might be a mix of self harm related intrusive thoughts and dermatillomania brain.
I just want to know if anyone else has had any similar thoughts because it's making me nervous. I hope all of you are doing alright and please be safe <3
When someone goes
Why are you so ungrateful?
You're just lazy
Be more positive
Life is so beautiful
Just pull yourself together
How are you?
Well, what're you feeling?
Do you not understand what they're feeling?
Everyone feels emotions
Can't you just care more?
Do you have no empathy?
You're so mean
You're so cruel
You're so cold
Why are you smiling about that?!
Why are you so aggressive?
Just talk
Can't you stay still?
Just focus
Stop zoning out
Why are you so distracted?
It doesn't have to be perfect
It has to be perfect
Such a freak
That's useless
Just chill
Stop lying
You're just looking for attention
Everything is fine
What is wrong with you?
I found this and I adore it! I have Anxiety, so I can very much relate and am happy that I'm not the only person who sees this pattern.
dear people with OCD: the next time you have spiraling & intrusive thoughts, what-ifs, or catastrophizing scenarios, I am sending a cardigan-wearing 46-year old NYU professor directly into your brain and he says "Aaaaand scene!!!" and he claps his hands slowly. and he says "Wow. Wow. Powerful stuff. Evocative imagery. A little bit post-modern, a little bit hysterical realism in the vein of Don Delilo but let's pause right here." and you will recognize your thoughts as a perplexing avant-garde film shown to an audience of 15 liberal arts students who are now trying to get a good grade and sleep with their professor.
I feel like I would have been diagnosed with OCD a lot earlier if the vast majority of screening questions (for mental illnesses in general) weren't based on the person's perception of their own behavior, in isolation. and what i mean by that is asking someone with OCD "do you wash your hands excessively?" is not a good question.
a person with OCD believes they are washing their hands the correct number of times. it's not excessive. we believe we're exhibiting best practices and helping to keep everything clean.
better questions might be, "does it seem like you wash your hands a lot more than your friends or family?" "do you get dry patches or cuts on your hands from washing your hands?" "do you find it deeply distressing, more so than how you've seen other people react, when you get something on your hands that you can't clean off right away?"
being asked "are you overly preoccupied with bugs, symmetry, and contamination?" also got "no" responses from me years ago in my life. what they didn't ask for, and didn't know, was what *exactly* I was doing in my day to day life that genuinely ate up my time and mental space to a concerning degree, but I *didn't know* that other people don't do this.
"do you spend a lot of time cleaning?" -> no, it's not a lot. it's a good amount. why?
"do you become frustrated because it seems like no one else meets your organizational and cleanliness standards - do you often 'take over' for other people because they can't do it right - do new friends seem surprised by how strict you can be about your living space?" -> oh. yeah. yeah I get it now.
Little Intro
Hi, My call me Dee! I'm a 23-year-old NonBinary[Neutrois] Spoonie. Over the past few years, I've gotten a few official DX’s after suffering for years since I was really young. Its been hard trying to come to terms with things and accepting my mind and body for what they are and the illnesses I do have. It's taken this long to stop fighting myself and consider extensive therapy and medicine. I tried when I was younger but being a mentally Ill and hurting kid I didn’t want to accept certain things. Especially when society makes things like mental illness so taboo. But I’m 23 now and I realize I went through nothing a child should ever have to, and yes I survived but at the cost of my mental and physical well being. Coming to terms with that, and that I can't and will never be fully able-bodied is hard. I'm hoping that eventually, I learn to accept and love myself the way I am and stop comparing myself to others. A bit about my conditions:
Mental:
•C-PTSD
•Anxiety/Panic Disorder [Severe]
•BPD
•Bipolar
•Depression [Severe]
•Dissociative Disorder
•DPDR
•OCD
•Paranoid Personality Disorder
•Maladaptive Daydreaming. [not sure if this counts much.]
| I also think I have OSDD-1b but I'm too scared to tell my new Doctor just yet.
Physical:
•IBS-D
•Fibromyalgia
•PCOS
•Psoriasis
•Terrible sinus/ear issues that we don't know what it's from yet.
•Eating Disorders. [A and B, as well as BED] •Sluggish Gallbladder
Medications:
Going to start Vistaril soon for my anxiety. Hope it helps. If anyone is on it too let me know how it helps for you.
Tldr; I'm using this blog as a way to help vent and come to terms with things about my mental and physical health. The past few years have hit me so hard. A lot of trauma memories resurfacing because of trying to recover from abuse and a bad childhood. The stress of this flaring up my body and a lot of invalidation from my mother and family. I just want to at least make a small place for myself where I can feel that I somewhat belong, even a tiny bit.
So..Lets see where this goes. :)
ok but, genuinely, one of the biggest reasons I love the Death Guard is that Mortarion is a petty asshole with undiagnosed OCD and I relate to that for some reason
i've been thinking a lot about mortarion recently because i read mortarion: the pale king and re-read lords of silence and it's so interesting to me how mortarion seems to have a lot of fixations that border on compulsions.
in lords of silence, vorx describes mortarion as having "relentless superstitions" even before the heresy. mortarion also has "an exaggerated interest in names, bordering on obsession" that has "only grown" since his ascension to daemon prince. mortarion's manse on the plague planet also seems to be subject to this:
"The gates are, like everything here, a parody. They are, it is said, seven centimetres taller than the Eternity Gate on Terra. Just seven. Mortarion did a lot of things like that -- petty things, mediocre digs at fate. The cupola is slightly taller than that raised over the Senatorum Imperialis. The walls are steeper by seven degrees."
mortarion's compulsions appear in mortarion: the pale king as well, particularly his fixation on numbers.
Sanguinius stared right back. ‘Help me understand this, then,’ he said. He pointed to one of the hills of corpses. ‘Those mortals, for instance. What are they doing?’ ‘They are tallying the dead of the Order,’ said Mortarion. ‘Why?’ ‘Because I commanded it.’
mortarion's behavior here is indicative of a larger trend within his character: his own desire for agency within a series of systems that do not allow him any. for example, lords of silence asserts the following:
"...it is said of him that everything came late, and with difficulty. He was the last to succumb to the full embrace of the pantheon. He was the last to arrive at the Siege. He was the last to retreat, it is rumoured, though others contest that."
mortarion is an agent of others' will. first necare, then the emperor, and finally nurgle's, and his compulsions appear to be a desperate reach for agency where otherwise he'd have none. furthermore, mortarion is fundamentally scarred by his youth on barbarus and appears to see himself in slaves and serfs. in mortarion: the pale king, mortarion is reprimanded by horus and sanguinius for use of excessive force on a planet ruled by small group of people who keep the rest of the populace heavily drugged, forcing them to work. his reaction is ultimately a reflection of his own trauma on barbarus.
furthermore, mortarion seems to be viewed as fundamentally broken by his brothers, which in turn fuels the death guard's us-vs-them ideology. (from mortarion: the pale king)
"The ship seemed unadorned compared to those of its brother Legions. The olive-green band of the emblem on its wings made the bone colour of the rest of the hull even more apparent. It was a machine that had been scraped raw. It was, Horus thought, a suitable chariot for his brother, and that saddened him."
"It was, Horus thought, as if no matter where Mortarion went, he never truly left the toxic world that had nurtured him."
Mortarion looked past Horus, up the slope of rubble to where the Angel waited. Mortarion was less pleased to see him. Sanguinius was so consumed by the illusion of nobility that Mortarion felt the Angel was perpetually looking down from on high as he circled an unreachable ideal. Why had their father instructed the Angel to come to Galaspar? Why not someone like Perturabo? He might have been an ally. And Sanguinius and Horus were so close. Mortarion felt a bond with Horus, but he knew it was not as strong as the one that joined Horus to the Angel. He was facing a united front, whether or not the other two would admit it, even to themselves.
‘We may hold this council aboard the Reaper’s Scythe if you prefer,’ said Sanguinius, sounding sympathetic now. The look in his eyes reminded Mortarion of their father’s sorrow, and he did not like it.
mortarion's nihilistic outlook seems to also drive a schism between himself and the other primarchs. mortarion views the Great Crusade with no love, contrary to the likes of horus and sanguinius who believe in the dream proffered to them.
An embrace was a promise of unity and comfort. That made it a promise of illusion. That made it a lie. He knew that Horus didn’t look at things that way. That didn’t change the truth of things. Horus was lying, only not to Mortarion. He was lying to himself. Mortarion put much more stock in his ceremony of poison. To share a draught of concentrated toxins with one of his warriors was to acknowledge the reality of their lives. He and his legionaries stood with each other, fought with unity, but never pretended that the ultimate truth of war was anything other than death. In the toast of poisons, there was no promise that could not be kept. It was an acceptance of risk, and of the inevitability of the end.
in fact, some of the only times mortarion demonstrates any affection or care are to his so-called lessers, including serfs and his own astartes.
At his side, Cinis nodded, watching in respectful silence for the manifestation of judgement. The serf was a favoured one, more disciple than servant. She took in all of Mortarion’s lessons and taught his precepts to the thousands who laboured for the Legion. Having come from neither Terra nor Barbarus, she symbolised the unity of all aspects of the Death Guard, and her understanding was profound.
mortarion first encountered cinis after liberating her world from the oppressive order aforementioned. in fact, in the pale king, mortarion actively chooses to humanize her, granting her the name cinis. in lords of silence, mortarion calls on vorx to fight "by [his] side, as we were before."
vorx earlier in the novel says this of mortarion:
In Mortarion, more than in any other, is conflict. Hatred was everywhere inside him -- of his father, of circumstance, of the Imperium, of himself. The poison of his foster world was hard to excise, and even if things had been handled differently by those in command, his would have been a damaged psyche.
mortarion's lack of agency directly ties into this. he views himself as being more similar to his servants than to his primarch brothers. the us-vs-them mentality returns.
ultimately there are dozens of examples of mortarion's issues across both novels and i have zero interest in regurgitating all of them. what is interesting are the implications about mortarion's character. mortarion's self hatred feeds into his compulsions; his trauma forces him to rely on them to regain a scrap of freedom.
his compulsive nature appears to contrast with nurgle's evident draw towards entropy, but i think this also fits with the nature of his character. he was the last to succumb. he continues to fight against the his own nature, because he doesn't know how to do anything other than fight. he doesn't believe in the kind of peace nurgle offers, so he can't accept it.
Heyyy tumblr, guess who got diagnosed with ADD. I’m the only person who’s surprised but yay.
Ok, but most of us are more than convinced that aside from Martin appearing to have ADHD, Chris probably has OCD.
Guy just look at the man, there is no chapter in which he does not highlight his order. And yes, maybe he just likes order and that's it, but sometimes when Martin has something messed up, he is seen as anxious (obsessed) and always has his things organized by color, size, use or in the cases of discs, by habitats (compulsion).
In conclusion, both brothers have disorders that literally do not allow them to live 'together' so to speak, Martin, due to his hyperactivity, can stress Chris too much, making him constantly angry with him and his anxiety only grows, both are aware of this and well, it is something that is seen in the series, neither of them is very attached to the other for the simple fact that they get stressed with the other because of their disorders
Does Knife have OCD
yea just like me lol
I'm not a hoarder, I just have hoarding tendencies
Hi can someone add people with OCD?
I’m just going to leave this here…
All of these are amazing, I'm focusing on the OCD one rn! This is what a cool OCD plushie could look like! This art is amazing, and I love it! Maybe some '1,2,3' stitching on the back of the paws, but like other than that I love it! It's cute, it's fun, it's got cool details, I especially love the spiral motif, really feels like how it feels to spiral into intrusive immoral thoughts!
some plushie dreadful redesigns i made a bit back! redesigns of autism, ocd, and misophonia respectively
For this Disability Pride Month, I saw a post that was shittybad and it made me angry. So have this
I have a lot of obsessions. I switch very quickly from one to another, and when I'm obsessed, I'm OBSESSED. If I'm obsessed with a person, I will find their social media, read all the articles I can find about them, watch all the videos I have with them in it, reread all of our correspondence, mention them in every conversation, and think about them every single minute of my day. When I'm obsessed with a fandom or ship, I will spend all of my time on tumblr and the internet watching edits and gifs and reading people's opinions. If I'm obsessed with a phrase, I will find a way to fit it into any conversation. I don't know why my mind works like this, and I have no idea whether it is something that happens to other people or not, but I don't want to tell anyone because I'm worried it will freak people out. But on the other hand, I really want to talk to someone about it.
Astrological Coincidences
this post started off as the importance of saggitarius and cancer in my life. i stayed true to that, but i was not expecting it to evolve into a 4500 word entry. read if you dare, it gets personal and drifts to anecdotes, involving gay unrequited love, but all kinda ties back together. i only scratched about half the surface, but there’s infinite time in the universe for these things. for everything, really.
Since I started studying astrology some years ago, I’ve noticed a lot of “coincidences”, that I can’t help but feel the universe put there for some higher meaning. For example, I began to notice that most married couples possessed complementing signs. For example, water signs would date or marry other water or earth signs. Air and fire signs would date and marry each other as well. Of course, this isn’t always the case, but it always sticks out to me when a couple possesses two sun signs of opposite polarity. It’s more rare.
My bishop of my church was a cancer (water) and his wife a saggitarius (fire), and now that I type this out, I realize another coincidence that has been revealed to me over the past few months. I would say Cancer and Saggitarius have been the two signs most on my mind lately. I am a cancer sun, and my pluto is in saggitarius. My draconic sun is in saggitarius, which I was pleased to find out. I’d much rather be a fire sign sometimes than water. Fire signs seem to have it all figured out, and are so confident in themselves. My virgo moon and sun square saturn have given me HELL.
Well, anyway. The bishop and his wife were pretty important to me when I was mormon. I liked them. I loved the church. They were sucessful church members, and good people. I still think about them almost every day, and pray for them and hope they are doing well. It is ironic to me now, that I realize two very important people to me in such a transformative, profound part of my life have these two signs.
My grandmother, who has practically raised me alongside my parents, has a saggitarius sun and a cancer moon. My cousin brenda is a saggitarius sun, so is my best friend Zoe, and my favorite dog Prince. My pluto is in saggitarius, and whether thanks to my scorpio mother or my aspects (sun quincunx pluto, moon square pluto, mercury & mars, and maybe even venus since they’re all conjunct, opposite pluto. A Harsh aspect I may add! jupiter semisquare pluto, saturn trine,uranus sextile, neptune sextile, trine ascendant, sesquidrate midheaven. whew!), I would consider myself a pretty plutonic person. It took me some years after high school to realize that most people do not operate at the level of depth I feel I do. It makes me lonely, batsh*t crazy, intimidating, and sadly, feared. I’m tempted to delve into my mercury opposite pluto and how that completely destroyed my mental health, but I wanna stay on topic.
Well, I guess this is a good segue then. I wear my heart on my sleeve, I Suppose it’s the cancer thing. Time and time again I would fall in love with “straight” men [they were predominantly straight acting/behaving but I know at least one of them messed around with dudes, the other one I don’t really care, and the other is likely a closet case) but anyways, I would fall in love with these straight men.
The first time was sophomore year, I fell deeply in love with someone and would think about him all day every day. I would dream about him, imagine scenarios with him that would never occur, but I kept it all a secret. Maybe it was part infatuation, but maybe it was deeper. He reminded me of Jake Gyllenhaal, also a saggitarius! who was my absolute favorite actor. Although I eventually got over my love for him, it did kind of hurt me in a way, whether it be from low self esteem or just carrying a secret like that. I’ve always been tempted to blame my mood “disorder” or psychological problems on being gay, but even per the gay community I am eccentric. Weird. Crazy.
The next unrequited love was during a summer leadership program before my first year of college. I was extremely ambitious. I wanted to be a CEO, a millionaire. The next big actor or entrepreneur. And it felt possible! at least, for a moment...
Well, there was a handsome fellow in the program, and I became fixated on him. I thought about him constantly, wondered if he thought about me, too. Of course, part of me kind of knew he wasn’t, but what was so confusing to me at this point was why would I be feeling so deeply and strongly about this guy if he wasn’t feeling the same way about me? Perhaps that’s where the delusions start. I don’t know, you know. It just didn’t make sense. He HAD to be thinking about me because I was absolutely in love with him, right? And it wasn’t just a sex thing. I don’t know what it was, frankly, because my memory escapes me. I think I just was so curious about him and wanted to be around him constantly. IDK. But after leaving the program and returning home before the start of the semester, I gathered up enough courage to send him a message on facebook and ask him on a date. Honestly, I couldn’t NOT do it. It was driiving me insane, how much I was thinking about him. Something absolutely had to be done, but I guess I’m just not one to let an opportunity pass me by. I told my coworker at penn station what I had done, and she said “you’re very brave”.
Her reaction kind of puzzled me because it was not what I was expecting. I guess she is right, it is brave of a man to ask another man out on a date, especially if you’re unsure of his sexuality. It could have been nasty, but honestly it was quite the opposite. He simply responded that he wasn’t gay, we exchanged a few more messages, and I suggested we could hang out if he was interested (but platonically, of course (; xD) He was super nice whenever he saw me around campus, and honestly looking back at it, I’m getting kind of emotional. Because if anybody handled a gay man hitting on them the right way, it was this guy. He made it clear he wasn’t interested, but still treated me like a human. He gave me a high five one day on campus and I dunno, it was like nothing was wrong. And of course, I got over him. I didn’t get hung up on him, it was pretty easy for me to move on because he just wasn’t interested. But I won’t ever forget how I felt that summer before college.
Of course, as I wear my heart on my sleeve, it was not long before I fell in love with someone new. I suppose I should tie this back into astrology. This summer before college was when I started getting interested in it. I began looking up people’s signs and who’s compatible with cancer. Partly on tumblr and just google searches, and your typical superficial commercial astrology articles. This is how it started, and I remember that guy being a leo, and me being upset because I’m a cancer, and we’re not compatible with leos. I suppose I was searching through the stars to measure up my chances with this guy. If I remember correctly, I probably googled things like how to tell if a guy is gay. But then, I was already doing stuff like that in high school. Omg I just thought of other crushes I’ve had, so maybe I don’t need to go down the list. I can just bring up the ones that are more relevant to this post, which are the saggitariuses!
So I became obsessively infatuated with this saggitarius after I had left the Mormon church. It had been a rocky week. My crippling indecisiveness and existential fear of punishment and damnation had reappeared as I was slowly distancing myself from the Mormon church and its teachings. I had been in the cult er I mean covenant (just kidding, I still love ya Mormons) for two years of my life, had shaped my world view (as best as I could) and made plans for my future around this religion I had become so deeply apart of. I was a MORMON, I wanted EVERYONE to know. I truly fell in love with the Mormon church. Anyways, I couldn’t resist m*sturb*ting (censored for tumblr) and watching p*rn. P*rn is such a loaded term though, because are shirtless dudes on Instagram considered pnography? Ugh!
Well, I eventually hooked up with this guy off grindr. He was actually nuts and kind of threatened me and scared me. Perhaps he is the one who sewed that seed in me, and I am merely possessed by the same demon that inspired him to blow up at me for not wanting to come back over his apartment for a second hookup, and then messaging me saying “I’m outside”. Like, he didn’t know where I lived, but I was scared. I was like 19 or 20, he was probably in his late 30s. I dunno. I was upset about it and told my dad and he made me feel better by threatening to kick his a**. I later talked to his boyfriend (this is gay culture remember) and he apologized for him, and I actually ran into him at Fazoli’s or somewhere and he looked kinda ashamed/embarrassed. So like I forgave him I guess, or at least I just moved on and didn’t dwell on it. He was blocked on socials for years, which says something, because I don’t really block people. I was more angry about it than anything, because it was like undeserved on my end. Today though, as I write this, I’m wondering what was going through his mind. In a compassionate sense, not a judgmental one. Now that I’ve lost my noggin once or twice, I kinda get it….
Well, the next morning, I was being angsty and 20 and mad at the world and my mother and yada yada. I still don’t know if my tendency towards anger is a rather natural, human thing that most people just don’t talk about, or if I am in fact angry more often than most and more intensely. Maybe, because of my harsh moon aspects (moon square mars, moon square pluto) plus I’m a cancer scorpionic person, right? Well my friend Patrick who is a pisces sun cancer moon made me feel like I wasn’t the only one who feels things so intensely. And my friend gracie, who I can tell anything to. Shes a saggitarius sun and scorpio moon, wow did I freaking forget to mention her earlier in this post? Wow, so yes, another very important person in my life who coincidentally is a saggitarius. She knows anger, and I’m thankful for it.
Well, I run off with my car, which I’m blessed to have from my grandparents (thank u grandpa Wilson and Sondra, I don’t think I ever expressed how thankful I was for that car but I really was. Thank you.) I end up all the way in Elizabethtown, like 45 minutes outside of Louisville, because I just wanted to get the fuck away. So of course my horny 20 year old ass gets on grindr, and almost immediately, this dude sends me the most gorgeous dick pic my little 20 year old heart had ever seen. I was like jaw on the floor wow, I wish I still had the picture! I was kinda nervous and still new to the whole hookup app thing, so I was like just sitting there, in the mcdonald’s parking lot, wondering if I should go or not. Then, he sent me a face picture, and if he wasn’t the most absolutely stunning, drop dead gorgeous man on the PLANET. Holy shit, I was in love from those two pics alone. The dick pic was giving me like trashy straight white man in a wife beater and basketball shorts vibes. Like a slimey criminalesque guy who knows how to fuck. But then he sent me that face pic and it was like the freaking sun shining on me like I was a sunflower or something. Drop dead beautiful. Anyway I hurry my ass on over there. I recall now that I was NOT looking my best, and honestly had I been a little better groomed, maybe things would have turned out differently. Maybe not. But I was wearing this like ugly like suede-ish or curdoroy-ish deep red shirt, like a worker’s shirt like a cowboy or something. I dunno why I thought that shirt was cute and didn’t give it away. I really didn’t vibe with it, but at this point in my life I was always doing what I thought I /should/ be doing, not what I felt like inside. Had to be manly, right?
Well, anyway, I looked like trash and felt like trash. I had this shitty buzz cut because I had buzzed my hair, I had some scruff, I hadn’t douched or like properly even just soaped up my ass. Like gee what was I thinking, haha. I’m so dumb. I guess I was only planning on giving him a blow job or something, but boy when he grabbed my ass did I regret not being cleaned down there. Damn if I could have taken that man’s cock, cuz it’s looking like that may have been my only chance. Ha!
Well, I get there, and of course I hesitate before I went it, and I would later use this to justify other things that went wrong in my life. Because I chose the wrong thing, which is to have [GAY] pre-marital sex, which was wrong in the Mormon church and would make me feel guilty and bar me from serving a mission (which was extremely and shockingly disheartening). Now you see why I say this man got good dick? He took it all. My pride. My shame. I kid. But I did lose a lot from these hook ups, but that was from my own lust. But this guy, E-town I would go to call him, was honestly like my dream man. He was tall, a football player’s build. I am absolutely weak for a football player, a linebacker. Especially after they’ve put on some weight! I need a man who looks like he eats a freaking steak! And plays cornhole!
I remember feeling shy and nervous for reasons outside of him and for reasons that had to do with how drop dead gorgeous he was, and I’m just a pretty shy person, no matter how far I pushed myself to be type A, extroverted, CEO successful Kyle. Straight masculine kyle ha ha.
I remember sitting on his bed, next to him. I kinda just sat there and looked at him, he put his hand on my knee, and kind of titled his head to the side and… kissed me? I don’t remember. I feel like the next thing I remember is him pulling down his (Red?) basketball shorts and watching that big fat dong slip out. And of course I went to work. (sorry mom! if ur reading this). Damn, did I suck that dick. It had to be for like 20 or 30 minutes, which honestly is kinda long lasting in the realm of anonymous internet hook ups! And for a blow job! Maybe it was only 10 minutes, who are we kidding. I don’t know, but it felt amazing and it felt like forever. I’m gonna get into the grimey details here, because I can and want to.
He like laid down on his bed and I like crouched over him and sucked that dick. It was just as great as the picture, as was he. He looked strong and masculine, and beautiful, really, sitting next to me just moments prior. The reason this hook up was so important was because I had a realization, or feeling, that was impactful on my spirit while I was sucking this hunk a junk’s dilly will. Besides the embarrassment I feel at his reaction when I reached down for his feet while I was sucking away (he looked to the left uncomfortably, fine, no feet play), I recall just you know, doing my thing on his bed, then kinda looking up and opening my eyes and this thought just kinda hits me, or appears to me, “What is wrong with this?”
“What is wrong with this?”
It was a thought that I guess had more of an impact on me than I realized, because it’s been like four years since that has happened and I have not gone back to the Mormon church. I suppose his cock literally killed the homophobia inside of me. Lust, love (mars, venus), whatever you want to call it, led me to that man and that situation. If I hadn’t been attracted to him, I wouldn’t have gone over, right? He brought up something about catfishing before I came over, and joked about how he pretended to not be home or something when the guy showed up at the door. I dunno, I guess these details put me at ease and led me to complete the task. The night before, before going to that mean guy’s house, I was like pushing myself back and forth back and forth like don’t do this, but something in me just needed to I guess. Is sex like a human need? Apparently! But I remember the tug of war that was going through me, because I didn’t want to give into the homophobia.
And wow, if something didn’t just click! I was never really afraid of Mormonism or Mormon theology. I don’t think I ever truly believed in it, I just wanted it to be true so bad I was willing to compromise so many things. And I wasn’t quite afraid of anything but homosexuality itself. I was afraid of being gay. Point blank simple. But what can I say? I have a high as fuck sex drive and I like sucking cock. I love men. I don’t know if that makes me gay or trans or a bottom or a faggot or what, it’s just what it is, you know? And I guess that’s what that feeling was that surfaced as I was sucking Austin’s dick. Austin B——
I saw little things in him that just made me convinced he was placed on this earth for me. He had a buddha head statue in his house, he had the local news playing on the TV while we hooked up. Which is just funny cuz a. the TV was on, and b. it was the local news. Like why was he watching that. The only person I know who watched that was like my grandma. And it was like the morning time, I dunno I probably would have been watching cartoons or Disney channel or history channel, not the local news. And I wouldn’t have had the TV on during a hook up, but I’ve learned that not everyone shares my electrosensory sensitivities.
He also mentioned having a gardener, and the fact he is literally football player type looking like a Greek god Hercules in the pic he sent me on the Versace beaches of Italy, tan, large, and had a humungous lizard. I was like obsessed and infatuated or whatever. And apparently it was abundantly clear because I feel he took my actions out of proportion, turned them against me, then expressed these negative, mean things to ryan weekly and later craig, my saggitarius boyfriend, at big bar. Like, honestly that’s just hurtful. But I suppose these seemingly normal things, which I took as a sign that he was the one for me and I just assumed recipricocity. Maybe that’s my problem, even to this day. I assume if I have a feeling, it is immediately shared by the other person. Huh, I’ll have to think about that.
But I didn’t talk to him for like months, because I was fucking scared. Like, I didn’t wanna get hurt. But boy did I get hurt HA. Well, I add him on facebook, because it was connected to his phone number that he had given me. I honestly thought this was not that weird, but now that I’m processing things I’ve been told and looking back at it, he might have found this odd. But like, they’re connected. It’s the digital age. I thought he was younger than he was because his grindr age was a couple years low, so I was confused. I thought he was rich because his age said like 26? Or 23? I don’t remember. It doesn’t sound old now, but to me it felt kinda old cuz I was only 20 at the time. I was like wow, he has a gardener and his own place and is that young? Like he must have a bachelor’s degree, comes from a wealthy family, etc. which I now realize I assumed because I was surrounded by that at Atherton and centre. It was kind of ingrained in me that everyone went to college and wanted to go to college. That’s just what I thought was normal, but no he didn’t go to college and neither do most people. Especially in Kentucky.
Well I also changed the color of our messenger chat because I was like haha I saw your picture from play!!!!! Omg I remember now. I did not in fact add him from his phone number on facebook because I probably correctly assumed that would have been creepy. I spent months thinking about him, then after I had gone to Play with travis on new years, I think I saw that Austin was in one of the pictures and I used that as an excuse to add him!
Ok, now things are adding less up. If I didn’t add him from his phone number, that’s one less strike against me. The play thing is like a normal thing, right? I mean I’m used to myspace and shit I’m friendly, I feel like adding people and browsing play’s page would be a normal thing. The changing of the messenger colors was honestly just a new feature and I thought it was cool, it was kind of a cute uwu flex that showed affection. Maybe he just thought it was weird and creepy. Maybe he just thought I was an unmemorable hookup, because I didn’t look my best or feel my best, and when he grabbed my ass I told him that I needed to shower. Then he had to go to some football game or something.
I’m not sure what other events exactly transpired, but I was hooked on this man but obviously super cautious about how I approached it. It’s ironic isn’t it, that I was so weary about being perceived as bad or undesirable that I held on to feelings for so long, but ended up getting fucked over in the end anyway.
The only thing I can think of which was weird was when I texted him A BUNCH that one night I showed up at nadia’s after fighting with my dad and driving all the way to Glasgow because I had this persistent urge and spiritual compulsion / delusion that I was being called AWAY. That I needed to LEAVE PERMANENTLY and that would solve all of my problems. I suppose that was dramatic of me. Well I must have been smoking weed or something because I was a little too open with my emotions and sent him a bunch of texts and said I was gonna make art about him. Which in retrospect I am super embarrassed about, because that’s like a vulnerable thing for me to say especially to someone who is about to be spewing hatred towards me. Like let’s face it, this man did not have good intentions for me. Maybe he never did. Wow. Wow. Huh. That’s a revelation.
I was just someone he was somewhat attracted to but didn’t really care about otherwise, I guess. I dunno. Wish I knew tbh. But I was like accidently nearby him on grindr, like probably less than a mile away, but that is entirely not my fault, because nadia lived in crescent hill, which is a densely populated area that I, ME, am familiar with. I spent two years on Frankfort ave with Andrew. It’s my turf, bitch. My bad, you bought some “fancy” apartment in crescent hill with your stupid Kroger manager job because you think you’re fancy and cosmopolitan but you’re actually just an idiot. I don’t even think he used the right to and your. Maybe he never said those words idk. But I remember trying to have a text convo with him and just feeling so AWKWARD. Like UGH why would it feel awkward!!!!! If I literally was in love with him and wanted to lick his feet and OH
He also looked like a fucking famous movie star director. Not an actor, not a model, not a celeb sports player, but like his vibes just screamed FAMOUS DIRECTOR. And honestly, that’s not something I would have sought out before but it was sexy. As. Fuck. I don’t fetishize directors like I do policemen or firefighters, but damn he looked fucking intoxicating.
I was working at Costco. Well, after my emotional outburst and telling him I’d make art about him (which honestly, ought to neutralize the whole damn situation. That’s just sweet and charming as fuck. And obviously shows that I’m an emotional and caring person who just isn’t very good at expressing myself. Or maybe I was, and because he wasn’t interested and is just mean, he twisted it to make it look like I was creepy. I was surprised to find out ryan weekly knew him, and when we chatted he like joked around with me about it. But he told me that Austin was really scared of me, “like for his life”. Part of me wants to say ryan was just being dramatic and mean, but now that I remember /how/ he said it, I think it was honest. Which is disturbing, because Austin was never in danger… that was a delusion on his part. Ha! I suppose I was just suffering from his delusions and assertion of his will, or whatever. If yaw anna look at it astrologically.
But ryan was kinda mean. He told me I was awkward and weird because I like would randomly laugh to myself or something. Like how is that weird…. Like I just don’t understand why that would have bothered him and why he would have felt the need to tell me I was weird or inferior or something. I mean I know we had history with kayla and all, but I had forgiven all that and genuinely liked hanging out with ryan before. But, he is also one person who first called attention to my “anger issues”
So maybe that answers my question from before. If two separate people make the same comment or observation about my emotional nature, maybe there is some accuracy in it. Maybe I’m fooling myself by thinking it’s a common thing just because I’ve found good, healing validation in who would become my close friends. But I suppose that is why they are my close friends, and ryan w—— is not.
Anyway, e-town was a saggitarius, and maybe because my pluto is in saggitarius, and is poorly aspected my mars, mercury, and my moon. Maybe that is what created this whole mess to begin with. I guess I can’t exactly be mad, but I mean damn what the fuck God?!
If I wasn’t wrong for sucking dick, because “what’s wrong with this?” then I wasn’t being punished for it. Right? If I hadn’t done the wrong thing, I wouldn’t have been punished….. IF you’re going on basic right vs wrong. Of course in the real world, innocent people get punished for things they haven’t done or for things they have done but just isn’t wrong. It’s like, subjective and relative to the situations and circumstances at hand. Maybe this is just one of those situations, too, and that’s just the detached truthful reality of it. Huh.
Now I could go on to talk about Craig, the next saggitarius romantic endeavor that ended in total disaster. Absolute volcanic eruption. Not supervolcano, but maybe just an island volcano that kills hundreds of people. Damn, I felt that.
I remember smoking weed and feeling like a woman who was psychotic and in space and crashed the entire spaceship because someone did something to upset her. I mean, it’s happened before. The pilots that have taken down entire planes full of passengers, just to kill themselves. That just doesn’t make sense to me. Why not just kill yourself? Why take a whole crew of random passengers with you? And it just doesn’t feel anti-social to me, like he thought people were bad and deserved it. The feeling I may be intuiting that it was just carelessness.? But that doesn’t feel right either. Maybe it was impulse and on a whim. Maybe it was a hint of psychopathy and a strong feeling he had and just took the chance. Maybe he wanted fame. Attention. Who knows. Is this what life is? Detachedly making sense of all this chaos and trauma, and death and loss and unknown? God!
I’m tempted to say this is all so psychotic, but in fact i do feel like it’s actually quite awesome, for once. All this chaos and unknown, but still being able to find happiness in it. That is such a wise, helping healing piece of perception.
Mood.
And for everyone wondering, our blog will be clear from April Fools jokes for the most part, and any of those jokes will be tagged so that they are clearly jokes.
- Shay 🐾
oouugghh forgot tomorrow is april fools day… time to be paranoid about anything and everything everyone says and does ✨
We had to get our actual proper medical insurance back recently, ofc it probably won't really be into effect until January, so we still have to wait to actually have it.
We wanna talk to our doctor about seeing if we have some other disorders/disabilities (such as OCD and POTS) before properly trying to contact a service dog training place. We have a place in mind already, hopefully we will be able to go through them.
When we end up contacting the place and they tell us the price and stuff for the training (and getting the prospect/puppy) then we will likely make a go fund me and will make a post about it. But until we know more, we can't really make a go fund me cause we don't know how much we will likely need.
Anyways, we just wanted to make this post to basically share a bit about what's happening in our life rn, so yeah.
- Shay (They/it) 🐾
New intro post, you can see our old intro posts by looking for "intro post" as a tag on our blog.
Hello, this is our blog for alterhuman/nonhuman and plural things mainly. This was originally made for my fictionkin/ockin; Zuki Shay Hara-Lupo. Who is a noncanon MHA/BNHA being/creature.
Here's a bit more info on my canon for Zuki Shay Hara-Lupo. It was divergent from the manga and anime. If you want to know more about my canon, send in an ask, or you can see some things on my original intro posts. The only thing I will mention here is that UA was a college instead of a high school, so my class and I were all 18 at the start of the first year at UA.
In this life, the body is currently 19, so keep that in mind. We don't mind minors interacting. Just know we (the host subpack) are more hesitant to interact with minors ourselves.
We try and make sure our posts are all tagged well, especially for tw or cw, if you see a post of ours that doesn't have a tw or cw that needs to be tagged tagged, then let us know and we'll fix it.
We will not answer/post any donation asks if you want to know why you should be able to find the posts we made about it by using the tag "no donation asks."
We will block for any reason. Especially when it comes to hate.
This is an endo safe space. We will not judge systems/plural beings for their origins. If you don't like this, leave.
We are also disabled, both in this life and in my (the host) life as Zuki, so that will also be on our blog. [In this life for all the ones after this]. We are autistic and ADHD for sure. We have a learning disability and depression as well diagnosed. We believe we might have OCD and PTSD but are not sure yet. We know we have some form of anxiety, but it's not diagnosed. We all (packmates) experience these disabilities so yeah.
Because of our disabilities, we need a service dog in this life. [I also had one as Zuki]. We will likely post more about the service dog when we finally get our stuff together and do more about it.
- Shay (They/it/xe/ze/hx/he) | Host of The Wildlife Pack, typically just referred to as the Wild Pack
Some userboxes. 3 were made by us, and 4 were made by
Edit Dec 1st 2024: Added some new tag things and moved some around.
Edit Dec 3 2024: Changed some tag things around.
Edit Dec 22 2024: Changed alter to packmate.
Edit Jan 25 2025: Added new kin
Edit Mar 23 2025: Changed some things
Edit Mar 30 2025: Added new tag
Edit Apr 4 2025: Changed some tags (we aren't going back through old posts to change them, so we'll put what the tags used to be)
Edit Apr 5 2025: Changed a few things around, probably gonna make the changes bold. Changed Shay, Zuki, & Akay tags for "fronting"/posting (not gonna change old posts so we will put the old versions)
Edit Apr 2025: Changed some fronting/posting tags, will have the old versions
Tags that are for specific things;
# howling barking and meowing - talking about stuff tag
# disabled pup - disability things
# the wildpack posting - plural [pack/packmate is used for our plurality] things (this replaced the "multi noises" tag)
# tri beta noises sfw - sfw misceverse stuff
# tri beta noises nsfw - nsfw misceverse stuff
# howling and barking at the moon - poems/poetry
# howling into the past - past life/kin memories good
# barking into the past - past life/kin memories bad
# meowing in confusion - this is just for when we are confused about something
# confused howling - questioning system/plural stuff, including origin and alters
# little pup - sfw age regression things when pup is used to refer to me/us
# little kitten - sfw age regression things when kitten/kit is used to refer to me/us
# woof woof reblog - rebloging alterhuman/nonhuman stuff or adding alterhuman/nonhuman stuff in our reblog
# the wildpack reblog - system/plural reblogs (this used to be "multi reblog")
# other reblog - rebloging without alterhuman/nonhuman stuff or plural stuff
# bark bark ask - answering asks to do with alterhuman/nonhuman stuff
# the wildpack ask - answering asks to do with plural stuff (this used to be "multi ask")
# tri beta ask sfw - answering asks to do with sfw misceverse
# tri beta ask nsfw - answering asks to do with nsfw misceverse
# meow ask - answering asks without alterhuman/nonhuman stuff or plural stuff
# 🐾🪶🩵🖌 - Shay | host (used to be "💚🩵🐾🪶")
# 🪶🐾🦴🪽 - Zuki Shay Lupo | MHA/BNHA kin (used to be "🐾🪶🦴🪽")
# 🩵🦴🐾🪽 - Cyan Lupo | RWBY kin
#🖌🐾🪶🖊 - Akay Lupo | DDLC kin (used to be "🖌💌🪶🖊")
# 🌊🔷️🌟🎨 - Lakey | packmate
# 😺🤎🍓🥓 - Declan (The cat face changes based on mood of post) | packmate
# 🐈🐈⬛🍗🥛 - Lynix | packmate
# 🦮💚🐕🦺🟢 - Shirley | packmate (used to be "🗣💚🦮🥦")
# 🐲🐉🔥💛 - Den | packmate | was originally known as Dragon
# ❓️⁉️❔️🤔 - Mystery | packmate
# 🐺🦾🦿🤖 - Oynx Afton (the middle two are supposed to just represent animatronic shit) | packmate
# 🟤🐺🐾🌕 - Phalen Lupe (supposed to represent werecanine/werewolf) | packmate
# 🐺🌠😇😈 - Vesper Lucian (supposed to represent fallen angel) | packmate
# 🌙🔥🐲📛 - Moonfire | packmate
New intro post, you can see our old intro posts by looking for "intro post" as a tag on our blog.
Hello, this is mainly my fictionkin account for my ockin, Zuki Shay Hara-Lupo. I am a noncanon MHA/BNHA being/creature. You can call me Zuki, Shay, or Lupo, whatever you prefer!
My canon was divergent from the manga and anime. If you want to know more about my canon, send in an ask, or you can see some things on my original intro posts. The only thing I will mention here is that UA was a college instead of a high school, so my class and I were all 18 at the start of the first year at UA.
In this life, the body is currently 19, so keep that in mind. We don't mind minors interacting. Just know I (the host) am more hesitant to interact with minors myself.
We try and make sure our posts are all tagged well, especially for tw or cw, if you see a post of ours that doesn't have a tw or cw that needs to be tagged tagged, then let us know and we'll fix it.
We are alterhuman/nonhuman in more ways in this life and in my (the host) life as Zuki, so that will also be brought up on our account.
We will not answer/post any donation asks if you want to know why you should be able to find the posts we made about it by using the tag "no donation asks." [Had to make this bigger and bold, so hopefully, people will listen]
We will block for any reason. Especially when it comes to hate.
This is an endo safe space. We will not judge systems/plural beings for their origins. If you don't like this, leave.
We are also disabled, both in this life and in my (the host) life as Zuki, so that will also be on our blog. [In this life for all the ones after this]. We are autistic and ADHD for sure. We have a learning disability and depression as well diagnosed. We believe we might have OCD and PTSD but are not sure yet. I know we have some form of anxiety, but it's not diagnosed. We all (alters) experience these disabilities so yeah.
Because of our disabilities, we need a service dog in this life. [I also had one as Zuki]. We will likely post more about the service dog when we finally get our stuff together and do more about it.
We are plural. The terms that seem to fit our origin right now are; quoigenic, unknown, and cryptogenic.
- Zuki Shay Lupo (They/it/hx/xe/ze/he + more neos/xenos) | currently a they/it time for my pronouns
Mostly try to bold edits
Edits from Oct 22 to Nov 7: Added tag things, changed words on some tag things, changed parts of the post, added parts to the post, and edited the sign off on the post.
Edit from Nov 8: Edited signoff tag things.
Edit Nov 11: Edited signoff tag things
Tags that are for specific things;
# howling and barking at the moon - poems/poetry
# howling into the past - past life/kin memories good
# barking into the past - past life/kin memories bad
# woof woof reblog - rebloging alterhuman/nonhuman stuff or adding alterhuman/nonhuman stuff in my reblog
# other reblog - rebloging without alterhuman/nonhuman stuff
# confused howling - questioning system/plural stuff, including origin and alters
# disabled pup - disability things
# meowing in confusion - idk this is just for when I am confused about something
# little pup - sfw age regression things when pup is used to refer to me
# little kitten - sfw age regression things when kitten/kit is used to refer to me
# howling barking and meowing - talking about stuff tag, idk lol
# tri beta noises sfw - sfw misceverse stuff
# tri beta noises nsfw - nsfw misceverse stuff
# multi noises - system/plural things
# multi reblog - system/plural reblogs
# 💚🩵🐾🪶 - Shay/Zuki Shay Lupo | host and MHA/BNHA kin put together, lol
# 🌊🔷️🌟🎨 - Lakey | alter
# 😺🤎🍓🥓 - Declan (The cat face changes based on mood of post) | alter
# 🐈🐈⬛🍗🥛 - Lynix | alter
# 🐺🦾🦿🤖 - Oynx Afton (the middle two are supposed to just represent animatronic shit) | no idea whether this is a kin or an alter, lol
# 🟤🐺🐾🌕 - Phalen Lupe (supposed to represent werecanine/werewolf) | either kin or alter
# 🗣💚🦮🥦 - Shirley | alter
# 🐺🌠😇😈 - Vesper Lucian (supposed to represent fallen angel) | now we are kinda thinking this is an alter
# 🩵🦴🐾🪽 - Cyan Lupo | RWBY kin
# ❓️⁉️❔️🤔 - ? (don't know who the fuck this person is, think they are an alter though?)
# 💬🗣❓️❔️- When confused who is fronting
When I actually get my shit together and work on getting a service dog in this life, I am probably gonna try and get a german shepherd and name them Remo or something similar cause yeah.
When I get my shit together, I will probably be asking for donations, but I want to know more before asking for money. I am unsure of what program I am going to use exactly, I have an idea, but idk yet.
I should probably try and get diagnosed anxiety [cause I haven't been diagnosed, but it's definitely obvious] and maybe look into OCD and PTSD more? I know I have trauma and shit, I just don't know if it's PTSD levels or whatever. And the OCD I am unsure if it's just the AuDHD combo or OCD as well.
If anyone has any advice about any of this that relates to America, please feel free to give the advice.
- Zuki Shay Lupo (They/it)
I'm bored and can't sleep [it's a little after 4 am where I am lol], so here's a thing about me that I'm kinda surprised I haven't talked about yet, lol.
When I was Zuki, I had a service dog [in this life, I also need an SD, I'm gonna probably post a separate thing about that at some point], he was a german shepherd named Remo (meaning strong one or something like that lol). I miss him as much as I miss anyone else from my canon, maybe a bit more than certain people, but I feel like that should be understandable, he helped me actually live life, yeah I still had problems but they would've been way worse without Remo. He helped me actually be able to do more than I would've without him, as service dogs do lol, but still.
I'm really bad with words and shit and it's late/early, so that's likely not helping. But just yeah, thought I'd share this, not sure if anyone even really cares, but whatever, lol.
- Zuki Shay Lup! :3c
I'm bored and can't sleep [it's a little after 4 am where I am lol], so here's a thing about me that I'm kinda surprised I haven't talked about yet, lol.
When I was Zuki, I had a service dog [in this life, I also need an SD, I'm gonna probably post a separate thing about that at some point], he was a german shepherd named Remo (meaning strong one or something like that lol). I miss him as much as I miss anyone else from my canon, maybe a bit more than certain people, but I feel like that should be understandable, he helped me actually live life, yeah I still had problems but they would've been way worse without Remo. He helped me actually be able to do more than I would've without him, as service dogs do lol, but still.
I'm really bad with words and shit and it's late/early, so that's likely not helping. But just yeah, thought I'd share this, not sure if anyone even really cares, but whatever, lol.
- Zuki Shay Lup! :3c
PLEASE HELP ME!!!
I can't keep fighting with it anymore, I can't describe how much I wanna take out my kn!fe and cut my arms. I wanna make too many cut, to make them bl!!dy mess. I can't fight it. I already cut my legs, but it doesn't help. Please. PLEASE. PLEASE!! Someone, please help me. I can't fight this urge, one more hour and I'll turn my arms in a mess. Looks like I have an addiction...
tumblr: constantly be aware of your own privilege. constantly be aware of your capacity of be evil. hey i know you really like that new piece of media but make sure you're aware of all of the problematic elements all the time. hey i noticed you reblogged a post from a designated Bad Person so please make sure you do a thorough background check on everyone you reblog from to make sure they're not bad, otherwise people might get the wrong idea about you. always be aware of everything bad that's happening in the world all the time because silence is violence. i see you not reblogging this post btw. activist burnout is a privilege so be aware of that. xyz people are required to reblog this post. if you're not constantly fighting against designated Bad People you are inherently complicit and therefore a Bad Person.
people with ocd:
sigh...
while I'm obviously happy that ocd continues to get more and more awareness, I do wish it didn't involve so much reassurance posting.
"I can 100% promise that you're not a bad person 💖" is a nice sentiment, and I'm sure well intentioned, but oh my god is it unhelpful.
i love having ocd 💖 its so fun to have to run all my beliefs and opinions by a panel of hallucinatory approximations of my closest friend's ethical judgements because i am incapable of feeling morally secure unless 'good people' agree with me 💖 i love how i then constantly have to vet those friends beliefs because yknow, what if they actually turn out to be bad people which obviously means i can't have a relationship with them anymore 💖 but why the fuck am i trying to judge them in the first place, thats a pretty shitty thing to do to your friends, not very good person behavior tbh 💖 i will keep on doing this cycle forever because it's so fun and i love it 💖
So I like researching m disorders and I might have one called dermatillimania. ( a form of ocd in which the person with the disorder scratches at their skin( can use objects to help) to remove imperfections such as zits, bumps or scabs to the point of it becoming a disorder.) And I know I shouldn't self diagnose but... I sorta have all of the symptoms of it. I also took a quiz on a dermatillimania which said I had very severe dermatillimania. (https://www.skinpick.com ) I mostly scratch at my head but I also scratch acne, all possible scabs and skin around the nails and the edges of the nail. My mom also has ocd which makes it more likely I have a variant of ocd. And I've also scratched like this as long as I can remember.but recently it got a lot worse. Like my mom has started noticing how much I scratch my head ( don't know if she knows how hard I scratch) and telling me to stop. This may sound simple like just stop scratching but it really isnt. At least it doesn't feel simple.
now I know this doesn't seem to bad but I can tell you it does suck.
This user appreciates inclusion in our community ^_^
Unassorted robotkin userboxes
I made these for myself, but anyone with robot adjacent identities may use. Please credit me if you use, likes and reblogs are appreciated but not necessary.
OCD is so funny. No haha girl walk in even steps else your momma will die. Noooo trust me.