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Latest Posts by mor-ranr - Page 5
Call me selfish but I appreciate having a person I talk to throughout most of my day. It’s like we’re having a long conversation that neither of us tires of
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Y'know, whenever people want to talk about why aspec people 'count' as an oppressed identity, they tend to go for the big stuff like corrective rape and conversion therapy. And like, we should absolutely talk about that stuff. Obviously those things are terrible and important and we need to raise awareness and deal with them.
But I feel like people often gloss over how… quietly traumatising it is to grow up being told that there is only one way to be happy— and that everybody who doesn't conform to that norm is secretly miserable and just doesn't know it— and then to gradually realise that, for reasons that you cannot help, that is never going to happen for you.
You're not going to find a prince/princess and ride off into the sunset. Or if you do, then it's not going to look exactly the way it does in fairytales. You're not going to get a 'normal' relationship, because you are not 'normal', and everybody and everything around you keeps telling you that that's bad.
You see films where characters are presented as being financially stable, genuinely passionate about their work and surrounded by friends and family, but then spend the rest of the plot realising that the real thing they needed was a (romantic and sexual) partner, to make them 'complete'.
You absorb the idea that any relationships you have with allo people will ultimately be unfulfilling on their side, and that this will be your fault (even if you discussed things with your partner beforehand and they decided that they were a-okay with having those sorts of boundaries in a relationship) unless you deliberately force yourself into situations that you aren't comfortable with, so as to make uo for your 'defects'.
You grow up feeling lowkey gaslighted because all the adults in your life (even in LGBT+ spaces. In fact especially in LGBT+ spaces) are insisting that it's totally normal to not be attracted to anybody at your age, and then you go to school and everybody keeps pressuring you to name somebody you're attracted to because they can't imagine not being attracted to anybody at your age.
And then you get older and realise that one day you're going to be expected to leave home, and that one day all your friends are going to be expected to put aside other relationships and 'settle down' with a primary partner and you don't know what you're going to do after that because you straight up don't have a roadmap for what a 'happy ending' looks like for someone like you.
(And the LGBT+ community is little help, because so many people in there are more than happy to tell you that you're not oppressed at all. That you're like this because you don't want to have sex, and/or you don't want to have any relationships, that your orientation is some sort of choice you made— like not eating bananas— rather than an intrinsic part of you that a lot of us have at some point tried to wish away.)
Even if you're grey or demi, and do experience those feelings, you still have to deal with the fact that you're not experiencing them the 'normal' way and that that's going to effect your relationships and your ability to find one in the first place.
If you're aiming for lifelong singlehood (which is valid af) or looking for a qpp, then you're going to have to spend the rest of your life either letting people make wrong assumptions about your situation (at best that your relationship is of a different nature than it actually is, at worst that the life you've chosen is really just a consolation prize because you 'failed' at finding a romantic/sexual partner) or pulling out a powerpoint and several webpages every time you want to explain it.
This what being aspec looks like for most people, and it is constantly minimised as being unimportant and not worth fighting against— even in aspec spaces— because we've all on some level absorbed the idea that oppression is only worth fighting against if it's big, and dramatic, and immediately obvious. That all the little incidents of suffering that we experience on a daily basis are not enough to be worth bothering about.
I mean, who gives a shit if you feel broken, inherently toxic as a partner, and like you're going to be denied happiness because of your orientation? Shouldn't we all just shut up and thank our lucky stars we don't have to deal with all the stuff some of the other letters in the acronym have to put up with (leaving aside the fact that there are many aspec people who identify with more than one letter)?
So you know what? If you're aspec and you relate to anything I've said above (or can think of other things relating your your aspec-ness that I haven't mentioned) then this is me telling you now that it's enough. Even if we got rid of all the big stuff (which we're unlikely to do any time soon because— Shock! Horror!— the big stuff is actually connected to all the small stuff) we would still be unable to consider our fight 'over' because what you are experiencing is not 'basically okay' and something we should just be expected to 'put up with'.
No matter what anybody tells you, we have the right to demand more from life than this.
why do i have to find an actual job instead of being the apprentice of the old witch who lives in the woods?
Part of being aromantic, at least for me, is always being the third wheel. Feeling awkward and left out whenever my friends leave to go on a date or whatever and I have no one to hang out with. I'm not saying that I want to intrude on someone's date or whatever, they deserve to have time to themselves. I get that. I just wish I didn't feel so alone when everyone around me has someone special to them and I don't.
And it's not like I want to be in a partnered relationship, either. I actually feel pretty squicked about the concept of being the recipient of romantic feelings, and I feel completely neutral about having a qpr (aside from the knowledge that I don't feel any sort of attraction and don't particularly want to have to make personal decisions only with the help of someone else).
I guess it just makes me feel a little like I'm not anyone's most loved, if that makes any sense. No one loves me more than anyone else. I'm nobody's best friend, nobody's dearest individual. And partly that's freeing, because I don't have to figure anyone else into my future, but it's also sad, too, because I'm nobody's favorite and I'll always have to take a backseat to other people.
Ugh, idk. I shouldn't be complaining. I have great friends who I love dearly and who care about me. I just have to constantly be aware that I'm never going to be the first one someone thinks of when they think of home.
executive dysfunction be like *wants to do something* *doesnt do it* *feels bad* *wants to do something* *doesnt do it* *feels bad* *wants to do something* *doesnt do it* *feels ba
Days of the week in Norwegian with their etymology. A lot of them transparently have the same origins as English. The major exception is Saturday, which comes from the Old Norse for washing day.
Dirty Norwegian: swears, insults and other bad words explained
Faen i forbanna kuksugende helvete, for noe jælva dritt.
Do you wanna learn how to say “fuck in damned cocksucking hell, this is some fucking shit” and more like this in Norwegian? Well, you’re in luck because that’s exactly what I spent a good two hours of my life explaining to you guys.
Also let me know if you have any questions, I’m more than happy to answer!
m, f, nt. = masculine, feminine or neutral nouns
Faen
The equivalent to fuck. If you stubbed your toe in a table corner, this is what you will yell out in pained frustration. After years of being a swear word it has lost it’s meaning but it’s original meaning comes from fanden, which means the devil. Additional fact: In Denmark they’ll still yell fanden instead of faen.
A lot of expressions are tied to faen. Here are some examples:
Faen ta deg. (Fuck you.) Fy faen! (Fuck, but emphasized.) Faen i helvete. (Fuck in hell. Again, for emphasis.) Stygg som faen. (Ugly as fuck.) Jeg gir faen. (I don’t give a fuck.) Gi faen. (Knock it off.) … for faen.* ( … for fuck’s sake.)
*Can’t be used alone, you have to fill inn the dots with something else. Usually used when you’re saying something that may contradict what has just been said. Han er jo fæl, for faen / But he’s terrible, for fuck’s sake.
Satan og helvete
Helvete: means hell, we use this all the time. Additional fact: Many of you might know of the town in Norway called Hell and how it’s so far north that during the winter, Hell may freeze over. But the word “hell” in Norwegian means luck. Do whatever you like with this information.
Satan: You’ll yell this out the same way you’ll yell out fuck, but it doesn’t have the same dynamic as faen. You may use it as an adjective, however. For emphasis, add svarte at the end.
Satan helvetes fitte! Satan svarte!
Jævla, forbanna og jævel
Jævla is an adjective, kind of like “fucking”, except it can’t be used alone, then you’re not making sense.
You can use forbanna in two ways: (1) wherever you can use jævla. It’s an adjective, and it describes something cursed. You can also combine forbanna and jævla if you’re really pissed off! (2) to let people know that you or another person is pissed off. Basically, you ARE forbanna. Usually you add an adverb such as these in front: “fly”, “skikkelig” or “helt” forbanna. “Fly” is exclusively used for forbanna.
Jævla/forbanna idiot. (Fucking idiot.) Hun ble fly forbanna når hun så meg. (She got really pissed off when she saw me.)
Jævel is a noun (m) and means devil. It’s an insult, usually expresses dislike OR someone being mischievous.
Han er en forbanna liten jævel. (He’s a little fucking bastard.)
MORE SWEARS UNDER THE CUT ! :^)
Weiterlesen
Filler words in Norwegian
Can’t learn a language without fillers!
altså - “well…” or “so…” It’s often used to enhance confidence, whether it’s strong or weak. Altså, mamma sa at jeg får lov til å gjøre det.. / Well, mum said I’m allowed to do it..
vel - “well”, can be used in the same way as in English. You can also combine it with altså: Vel, altså, her er planen… / Well, so, here is the plan…
liksom - the Norwegian equivalent to “like” - use it everywhere! It can also be used to enhance sarcasm. Har du liksom tenkt å gå med det der? / Are you seriously like, going to wear that thing?
da - this literally means then, but we often use it to end sentences, especially if we’re saying something that another person might want to argue with. And since it means ‘then’, you can also use it in the same way as in English. Jeg skulle jo liksom bare prøve den på, da. / I was just going to like, try it on.
ehh / øhh - uhh, uhm. Super useful.
på en måte - “in a way” or “kind of”. Han er litt merkelig, på en måte. / He’s a little strange, kind of.
bare - “just” Jeg skal bare innom butikken. / I’m just gonna pop by the store.
ikke sant? - translates to “not true”, but is used for saying “right?” “don’t you agree?”. Around Bergen, people usually drop the “ikke” and just say “sant”. I’m from Bergen so I didn’t know that not everyone says this until I googled it lol.
skjønner du / skjø’ - used at the end of sentences in the same way as “you see” in English. It comes from the word “å skjønne”, which means to understand, to realize or to “get it”. “Skjø’” is not really used in the southern regions, but if you’re around Trøndelag, you’ll hear this a lot. In other regions one would say “skjønner du”. Han er lærer, skjø’/skjønner du. / He is a teacher, you see.
Feel free to ask me questions about these or request more specific fillers!
Dance! Dance! DANCE!!!
Small aro rant
Pls! My dear fellow aros, share your thoughts if you know what I'm talking about, I'm intrigued.
Is it aro culture to be willing to help your close friends emotionally and go out of your way for them in ways that are usually seen by society as ""reserved"" for romantic partners; but your alloro friends don't go out of their way to that degree for you? It's hard to explain, there's just a certain feeling of dissonance.
I'm not doing what I do for my friends to be "compensated" the same way from them, I'm not expecting anything. I do it knowing they're like this, I don't care. I just noticed this pattern, even more after talking with them about emotional availability with friends etc.
Aros, anyone experience this?
Aromantic Sunset. Just don’t ask me why the sky is green and we won’t have a problem.
ASEXUAL, AGENDER, AND AROMANTIC ARE NOW OFFICIAL WORDS IN THE ENGLISH DICTIONARY
“Falling in love” feels like that movie/series that everyone is flipping out about, but you haven’t seen. Then you see memes and fanart all over the internet or all these references you just learn is associated with it. Then people flip out once you say you haven’t seen this movie/series and everyone goes “How can you not have seen it?”, “Is that even physically possible?” And “You gotta see it at least once in your life”
But you don’t see it. It’s either not available or you don’t have time or money or they don’t sell it where you are, etc…and for the rest of your life, people just keep talking about it and you just. Never. Get. The. Chance. And you feel like you’re missing out, but at the same time, you got better things to do or other movies to watch, that many missed out on. So, then, of course, you just get so happy every time you see someone referencing or selling figures and cups of these not at all famous characters that you know and love.
Do you feel me?
Part of being aromantic, at least for me, is always being the third wheel. Feeling awkward and left out whenever my friends leave to go on a date or whatever and I have no one to hang out with. I'm not saying that I want to intrude on someone's date or whatever, they deserve to have time to themselves. I get that. I just wish I didn't feel so alone when everyone around me has someone special to them and I don't.
And it's not like I want to be in a partnered relationship, either. I actually feel pretty squicked about the concept of being the recipient of romantic feelings, and I feel completely neutral about having a qpr (aside from the knowledge that I don't feel any sort of attraction and don't particularly want to have to make personal decisions only with the help of someone else).
I guess it just makes me feel a little like I'm not anyone's most loved, if that makes any sense. No one loves me more than anyone else. I'm nobody's best friend, nobody's dearest individual. And partly that's freeing, because I don't have to figure anyone else into my future, but it's also sad, too, because I'm nobody's favorite and I'll always have to take a backseat to other people.
Ugh, idk. I shouldn't be complaining. I have great friends who I love dearly and who care about me. I just have to constantly be aware that I'm never going to be the first one someone thinks of when they think of home.
Dame Archer kicks McDougal’s Scots ass there in the rain at the Washington Midsummer Renaissance Faire - August 11, 2018 - Photo by Douglas Herring
Honestly the biggest disappointment I had researching ABC was that medieval authors did not, in fact, see the creatures they were describing and were trying their best to describe them with their limited knowledge while going “what the fuck… what the fuck…”
Anyone else sad they’ll never get to see a live thylacine? Me too dude.
An experiment in graphic design– drew the thylacine in walnut ink and the rest is photoshop
The Sequel (this time without a butchered sports reference!)
First one
my parents aren’t teaching me life lessons.
#i need some adults to TEACH ME SHIT ABOUT LIFE
since i never see any positivity for aros like me, here’s a post for the ones with low empathy:
shoutout to the aromantic people with low empathy, the ones with antisocial or narcissistic personalities, the autistic aromantic people, the ones that everyone vehemently tries to erase to make aromanticism seem more “okay” to alloromantic people. it’s perfectly fine to not feel connected to people in general and to identify as aro due to this. you’re still valid. it’s okay to not relate to humanity to the point where you can’t possibly picture yourself falling in love. it’s okay to only experience platonic feelings for people because you don’t want to bother with having to consider another person’s feelings in the way romance requires. shoutout to the aros that actually are somewhat “heartless” and don’t care about others, the psychopathic aros, the sociopathic aros, the narcissistic aros.
i feel like the aro community as a whole spends so much time on positivity and making sure people understand that most aromantic people can love people platonically or do experience deep meaningful connections with people that they forget that, for some of us, our inability to relate to people and indifference to others does not make us any less aro.
Aromanticism often goes hand-in-hand with:
Low self-esteem, self-loathing, and/or feelings of inferiority
Feeling lonely, isolated, or like you’re an “other”
Shame
Anxiety
Fear of abandonment, distrust of friends and family
Constant second-guessing one’s own identity
Fear of the future or an inability to imagine oneself with a “happy ending”
Disassociation in the form of feeling “unreal” or “inhuman”
This is a huge problem that can really destroy a person, and the root cause is the way our society treats relationships. But the thing is, nobody ever tries to address this problem. People outside of the aro community (which is small and disjointed as it is) don’t discuss aro issues, and don’t try to think critically about the messages they put out, and then when aros talk about how much they’re hurting, we just get told that we don’t have it as bad as other people, so we don’t have any right to complain, and our feelings aren’t real.
God knows it’s hard to heal yourself without help from others, and aros aren’t getting that help. And sure, sometimes we can talk to each other, but that can only get you so far- it’s the emotional equivalent of two people simultaneously trying to save each other from drowning. The aromantic community needs outside support, but nobody is trying to help us aside from saying that we’re Valid™ every now and then. That’s a big problem.
being aro (for me; i can’t speak for everyone) means i live in constant fear. it’s a lingering feeling at the back of my mind, like a monster that hides in the crevices of my mind and waits to pounce.
because i know that one day, my friends will leave me. my friends will find significant others and start dating and will one day get engaged and then married. and then they’ll settle down and have kids and that’ll be their life. working, being parents, and being married. and what does that mean for me?
it means that i’ll be left behind and abandoned. they won’t mean to, of course, but a significant other will always be first priority. they won’t think of planning an outing with a friend when they can plan a date with whoever they’re dating. they won’t think of hanging out with their friend when they have kids to take care of. they won’t think of their friend because i will never be as important to them as they are to me.
because to me, my friends are everything. my friends are my chosen family, the closest people in my life. there won’t be anyone more important to me than my friends because i don’t feel romantic attraction. but also, there’ll be no one to look at me and love me most of all the way i love my friends, because to everyone around me the highest form of love is romantic and my platonic love will never be enough.
my love will never be enough for them, not for my alloromantic friends, and they will all leave. and i am helpless to do anything but wait for the inevitable.
Stop normalizing tossing aside friendships when you get in a relationship??? That shit's harmfull??????? For all sides involved??????????
I remember posts like this being helpful when I was questioning so I thought it might be good to make a checklist of sorts for The Aro Experience:
not picking up on your friend’s crushes
not understanding the appeal of kissing
thinking about your future and being excited to live alone/with friends rather than immediately thinking about marriage
being annoyed or grossed out by romance in the media
alternatively, seeing romance in the media as formulaic, saying things like ‘these two characters will kiss once then break up I can tell from the portrayal of their first interaction’ rather than getting emotionally invested.
choosing not to read/watch something because there is romance
not getting why people say they want a relationship if they don’t have a crush at the time
your ideal romantic relationship being suspiciously similar to your ideal friendship when you think about it
being able to explain your ‘type’ with fashion style, aka caring more about clothes than looks when considering if you find someone attractive
feeling like your views on relationships are more ‘childish’ than your friend’s views are
feeling uncomfortable when family or friends ask if you’re dating/like someone, even if their questions aren’t particularly invasive
assuming other people make up their crushes to fit in or seem cool
making your own crushes to fit in, or just mindlessly agreeing that people all your friends like are ‘hot’ even if you don’t think so
feeling out of place and like you can’t contribute when your friends talk about crushes and relationships
thinking people your age are way too young to date, and this view never seeming to change as you get older
This is mostly from personal experience and obviously every aro is different, but hopefully this is helpful.
You might be aromantic if...
Aromanticism can be really hard to figure out, especially since we’re often not sure what “romantic attraction” is supposed to be, so I made a list of things I’ve often seen in myself and other aromantic-spectrum people.
These are just generalizations. They won’t apply to every aromantic-spectrum person; and some non-aromantic people will have some of these things, too. Some of the list items are contradictory. Having any of the experiences listed below is not proof that you’re aromantic, nor are you any less aromantic if few of them apply to you. But if you’ve been trying to figure out your romantic orientation, and a lot of these sound really familiar to you…then it may mean something.
I also made a list of words relevant to aro-spectrum people in case that helps.
When you discovered the word “aromantic,” it felt like something finally clicked into place for you.
Identifying as aromantic makes you feel relieved, free, happy, or more like yourself.
When you discovered the concept of a “squish” suddenly a lot of things made more sense to you.
You have trouble telling the difference between romantic and friendly feelings.
You’ve never had a crush on someone, or fallen in love.
You’re not sure if you’ve ever had a crush on someone or fallen in love.
You have trouble telling the difference between a crush and a squish, or between romantic and aesthetic/sexual/sensual attraction.
You have doubted whether crushes or love really exist, or if they’re just cultural constructs.
You find romance boring, annoying or upsetting when it appears in fiction, even if it’s written well.
You once thought that having a crush on someone meant you admired them or really wanted to be their friend.
You thought crushes were something you consciously decided to have, and selected an acquaintance or celebrity to be your crush, because everyone else was doing it.
You forgot which acquaintance or celebrity you were supposed to have a crush on.
If you’re not asexual, a “friends with benefits” relationship sounds ideal to you.
You have trouble relating, or feeling involved, when your friends discuss their romantic relationships or romantic feelings.
Falling in love doesn’t seem very exciting to you.
You don’t understand why other people make such a big deal out of having crushes or falling in love.
You don’t understand why people do ridiculous, irrational or over-the-top things in the name of love.
You don’t understand why finding someone sexually/aesthetically attractive would lead you to want a committed relationship with them.
Or, maybe you sort of understand those things in an abstract way, but you can’t really relate to them.
You have never had a romantic relationship - not because you couldn’t get one, but because you just never really bothered to try, or you liked being single better.
When a romantic relationship gets serious, it makes you feel cold, distant or uncomfortable.
Getting a romantic partner feels more like fulfilling an obligation, or something you’re supposed to do, than something you’re really enthusiastic about.
Your romantic partners always seem to be way more into the lovey-dovey stuff than you are.
A likable person suggests having a romantic relationship with you, and you’re indifferent to it - you’re open to trying it, but you won’t get disappointed without it. Other people may find your indifference bizarre or think you’re giving off mixed messages.
You have felt guilty about not loving your romantic partner as much as they loved you, even though you sincerely cared about them and wanted to love them back.
You have felt suffocated, repressed or tense in a romantic relationship, even though you really liked your partner and they hadn’t done anything wrong.
When your last romantic relationship ended, you felt relieved and free more than you felt sad, even if your partner broke it off, and even if you liked them very much as a person.
You’re more excited by making a new best friend than by falling in love.
You wouldn’t mind marrying your best friend and spending your life with them, even though you’re not in love with them.
You’d rather spend Friday night having a sleepover party with your buddies than going out on a date.
You want a best friend much more than you want a romantic relationship.
It’s not so much the idea of being single forever that bothers you, so much as being alone or unwanted.
You are either oblivious to other people flirting with you, or feel uncomfortable or threatened by it.
You are sometimes perceived as flirtatious when you only meant to be friendly.
You live in a large community and see or meet hundreds of people around your age every year, but none of them have ever stirred romantic feelings in you.
You recognize whether something is romantic or not by comparing it to other gestures, words and signals that your culture has taught you are romantic, rather than “feeling” the romance of it intuitively.
When you say or do romantic things, it feels like you’re following a script or copying romantic things you’ve seen elsewhere, rather than something spontaneous and natural to you.
When thinking about what sort of person you’d want to date, your criteria are identical to what you would want from a best friend.
The main benefit you get from a romantic relationship is either platonic, sensual, sexual, or a combination of those; the romantic aspect is okay but it’s not really the part you like most.
You have trouble imagining romantic activities that you would enjoy, unless those activities are also fun or interesting for you on a platonic or intellectual level.
You feel like your closest friends and/or queerplatonic partners are better at fulfilling your emotional needs than romantic partners would be.
You would rather be huggy, cuddly or emotionally intimate with all of your friends instead of reserving your intimacy for just one person.
You would rather have a queerplatonic relationship than a typical romantic relationship.
You don’t feel as if you’re missing anything in your life right now; having a romantic partner might be nice, but you don’t need it or seek it out.
The idea of being single forever sounds awesome to you.
You enjoy gestures and activities that are traditionally labeled “romantic,” but at no point during them do you actually feel attracted to whoever you’re with.
You don’t enoy gestures and activities that are traditionally labeled romantic, either because the romance aspect bothers you, or because all of them are just plain unappealing to you.
You avoid going places where people are likely to flirt with you, such as bars, parties, nightclubs, and concerts.
You’re not sure why other people enjoy romantic stories; you usually just find the lead characters to be annoying, boring or dysfunctional.
You like the idea of having a big wedding celebration more than the idea of actually marrying someone.
Feel free to add your own.
I’m not sure if I’m alone in this, but as an aromantic person, I wish my romantic friends understood the emotional labor it takes for me to lend an ear to their dating woes and to provide sound romantic relationship advice when I have no solid basis for understanding said relationships in the first place.
I tend to approach dating advice from a humanistic point of view, rather than a romantic one. That is, I’m more concerned with relationship outcomes and the physical and emotional impact of relationships than the romantic value and excitement of a relationship. That’s mostly because I am aromantic.
I appreciate that people think of me when they’re in need, but at the same time nothing makes me want to tune out more than issues related to romance. It takes tremendous effort for me to stay engaged in a conversation involving the needs of romantic people, which might make me sound like a bad person.
At the same time, I don’t think romantic people really consider the impact this has on aromantic people. I cannot speak for every aromantic person. However, we all have our own boundaries and needs. For aromantics, that could mean that discussing romance is an exhausting activity with little to no pay off.
I do care about the well-being and safety of my friends, but I don’t often care about their romantic pursuits. I am genuinely happy for them finding fulfilling relationships, but I am not emotionally invested in the details of their romances. I do want to support my friend, but not at the expense of my own well-being.
The most difficult part comes down to giving relationship advice to friends whose partners or potentially partners present aromantic behavior. I want to gently remind them that not everyone experiences romantic feelings the same way that they do, but then amatonormativity rears its ugly head from said friends.
The amount of times I’ve heard a friend describe a partner or potential partner as emotionally constipated is distressing, along with friends describing said persons as a potentially abusive because they wont open up to them or engage in romantic behavior … all the while ignoring their own impact on others…
All of this being said, I think it’s okay as an aromantic person – or any person really – to step back and say that you’re not comfortable or you’re not the right person to talk to about romance. It’s not your job to empathize with romantic feelings for your friends’ sakes when you can’t feel it in the first place.
Growing up aromantic is
Thinking romance is something others do. Thinking romance is a set of socially constructed behaviours. Thinking romance is friends who agree to call themselves a couple. Thinking I will marry my best friend when I grow up, because we get along well and what more would there be to it?
Thinking romance is a fictional trope, and hating Disney movies because they’re all about it. Not relating to the other kids at school because they dream of fairytale endings and true love’s kiss. Not understanding when my friends start blushing and asking who I like. Thinking “liking boys” is a trend, the result of too much Disney, not an orientation.
Thinking romance is picking a boy I want to know better and calling it a crush. Exaggerating my feelings so I can fit in. Telling a friend how I can crush or stop crushing on people at will, and laughing when she says that’s not how it works. Wondering why she pines for months over a boy who doesn’t like her back.
Thinking romance is a game and scoring a partner is winning. Getting confused when others care about what comes after. Wondering what secret rules they know that I don’t. Telling myself I must be playing the wrong way, and restarting.
Thinking romance is the fiery devotion, the deep care I have for my best friends. Trying to explain it, and the words catching in my throat. Not wanting to call it romantic love, because somehow that feels wrong. Not knowing what else to call it, because if this isn’t romance, what is?
Thinking nobody really understands romance anyway. Reading and re-reading the description of a crush in my sex education book and coaching myself to feel that way. Assuming everyone has to teach themselves how to love. Being jealous of those to whom it comes so naturally.
Thinking romance is a compromise, words and gestures that must be given to prove I care. Trying to give them and feeling out of my depth. Convincing myself I have intimacy issues. Never questioning why love feels so wrong with my boyfriend, yet so right with my friends.
Thinking romance is a happy ending written for others. Watching all my friends pair off. Staying awake at night, terrified that this means I will never matter to anyone. Asking the darkness why my own kind of love isn’t enough.
Thinking romance is something I will be taught, one day. Writing stories about heartless, empty, broken characters who are fixed by true love. Meeting the right person and still not feeling the right way. Exploring various fears and traumas because one of them has to be causing this, right?
Thinking romance is something I have to feel, or what would I be? Convincing myself I can’t be aromantic because, because, because… Being afraid of a blank slate future with no other half to hold onto. Feeling like everything I thought I’d understood is falling apart.
Thinking romance is something others do. Allowing myself to let go of what was never a part of me. Crying when an aromantic friend tells me they love me like I do. Feeling, finally, like I belong, like I am enough.
Knowing aromanticism can mean happy endings too.
Do any of y’all (my aro friends and followers) ever feel like you’ve resigned yourself to a life of being a “surplus wheel”?
I mean, my friends are incredible. They don’t try to push me to date since they know I’m aro. They don’t fawn all over their partners when we’re in the room together.
But they show enough affection and happiness that it makes me feel inadequate or like I shouldn’t be there, no matter how much they are clear about wanting me to spend time with them. When they talk about love and how much it means, I feel so disconnected.
I don’t want to be alloromantic. I don’t need that kind of love, but sometimes I feel like I should. I’ve been the third, fifth, and even seventh wheel before. It’s a happy enough place to be until everyone pairs off and you are left staring at your phone, sitting on the floor, alone.
I feel guilty about taking time with my friends because I don’t know why they wouldn’t rather be spending time with their partner. Or if that’s actually the case, and I’m just taking up precious time. I know people can have friends and partners too, but it just feels like I’m standing in the way of something more important.
I know this feeling will pass; I’m just in a bad headspace about it right now. I don’t have anyone to talk to about this IRL because all of my good friends are alloromantic. But as much as I know it will pass, I also know it will return. I’m mostly just venting, but if anyone out there has ideas about what will help, I’m all ears.