Childhood Abuse - Blog Posts

fear of rejection be making me act CRAAAAZYY

I’m gonna spend my lifetime regretting what my parents didn’t do for me.

⚠️vent⚠️

It sickens me to think of the ways my parents failed me. I was never told I was something or that I could ever be something. I was rarely ever told “I’m proud of you” or “I love you.” Hugs were and have always remained rare. I was never encouraged to try to join sports, other extracurricular activities, or even try again at dancing. I was and still am rarely encouraged. I feel so directionless.

I rarely ever saw doctors. That includes really important ones like optometrist, GP, dentist, like those kinds. I’m talking the last time I went to a dentist I was probably 12. I’m fucking 18. EIGHTEEN! “You didn’t like going.” SO? I was a CHILD, I needed YOU to make sure I was HEALTHY. I feel so dirty and unkempt.

When I got hurt, I was told to just get up and get over it. Why didn’t they hug me and tell me I’d be alright? God forbid I did something they didn’t like. I’d just get my ass beat instead of a conversation. Or, better yet, yelling.

I can’t believe some parents actually have the brain to take their kids to therapy early on. My mom didn’t do that. Even after a life long exposure to an abusive father. It’s all fucked! Life is single-handedly the most fucked thing I’ve ever been forcefully ‘gifted.’ I didn’t ask to be born. I didn’t ask to live this way.

I am constantly seeking validation and love in everyone other than family members or myself. I am ruined. I am a shell of who I could’ve been. No amount of toys, which I had A LOT of, was a replacement for proper parenting. I never feel loved enough.

As happy as I am for people who have good parents, I can’t help but be jealous as well. I’m so jealous your dad teaches you things. I am so jealous your parent(s) put you in therapy. I am so jealous you were motivated to try new things. I am so jealous you are loved the normal way. I am so jealous in a way that doesn’t even make me angry. It just makes me incredibly sad.

I feel more raised by the internet than by my parents. I needed YouTubers to tell me I shouldn’t act like my father. It’s sick.

Throughout my entire life I’ve been starved of affection. And people can SMELL IT. They smell it in the way I talk, the way I walk, and whatever else I do. They know I’m defective.

In every kind man I see what would’ve been.

Evolutionary Learning: PTSD and CPTSD Symptoms.

Events that cause us fear, suffering, and threat to our lives leave a strong, everlasting mark. Either consciously or subconsciously, what is recorded plays back over and over again given the correct environment that makes the connection and presses the play button. We have recorded some information, but not all of it is of happy memories.

I was fascinated with the fact that I could record something on a cassette tape when I was little. I found it amazing, and those in my family did not share the same complete astoundment that I felt when I discovered that I was able to record sound, my voice and the voices in my surroundings on a cassette tape.

Now much older, I have decided that there is a recording nature in literally everything, from various crystals to the tiniest atoms, and the main point that I am getting to, our brains.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is the unwanted intrusion of some of the more challenging recordings that we have collected along the way. It isn’t the upsurge of happy memories, but rather the deeply ingrained bad memories and traumas that we might prefer to ignore or forget.

Sometimes in PTSD, emotions become uncontrollable, which is the distinguishing factor that makes it Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. CPTSD makes it even more difficult to navigate the world, let alone face and move on from the memories that keep intruding. 

Every episode pops up like a “surprise motherfucker” moment. Choice in shelving it for later on? forget it. PTSD and CPTSD is instant like that, and there is no going back until some sort of retreat and processing can be taken.

I sometimes like to think of PTSD and CPTSD as an overloaded cassette tape. This idea does not work out in rational reality since you cannot overload recordings on a cassette, it just stops each side, but the recording nature of the human brain is different. It certainly has much more capacity than a cassette tape, and in some ways, it may well be infinite, until physicality for the brain ceases to exist at least.

Studies show that predatory induced fear causes PTSD like changes in the brains and behaviour of wild animals. The article goes on to say that:

“Retaining a powerful enduring memory of a life-threatening predator encounter is thus clearly evolutionarily beneficial if it helps the individual avoid such events in the future3,4,8. Contemplating this, in light of the many PTSD-like changes manifest in laboratory rodents in response to predator-induced fear19, has prompted a growing number of biomedical researchers to propose3,5,6,7,9,10,11 that “PTSD is the cost of inheriting an evolutionarily primitive mechanism that considers survival more important than the quality of one’s life”12. In this view, PTSD-like changes in the brain and behaviour are not unnatural or “maladaptive”, but are rather evolutionary adaptations which entail costs, such as “hypervigilance”12,19,20 and the avoidance of trauma-related cues19, that provide the benefit of increasing the probability of survival, by increasing the likelihood of detecting a life-threatening danger (hypervigilance), and reducing the probability of encountering one (avoidance).”

Powerful memories that do not let us forget are the one’s that will help keep us safe in future times. Sometimes PTSD and CPTSD is making a faulty connection, because the situation that we are in can replay events so vividly where there really is no harm to come, but in the event of future run in’s with exceptionally predatory people, of which there are many + more growing with the generational learning created through the use of social media, PTSD and CPTSD serve as an evolutionary stage in learning that will absolutely help me in moving onward in my life at least.

The ability to record things is amazing, in whatever medium. I now have a new understanding of PTSD and CPTSD and how we learn by what we live. There is  cost, but I am more than happy to pay for what I need.

Be happy :-)

For Victims of Abuse Who Feel Betrayed.

There is no rule that says that anyone has to like or accept cruel people, and personally, I would not even trust those who do so.

There is also no rule that says that anyone has to forgive them, unless some religious or healing aspect comes into it, where people try to win the power struggle in becoming superior to their abuser. That can be helpful, but it is not something that I would personally advocate.

Let’s have some eye opening discussion.

If the need to be liked and accepted in someone is that strong that people who create incessant cruetly are welcome and acceptable, then the person may well be an Apath (sometimes termed as “flying monkey”), a dangerous being who stands by on the fence as abuse continues, and in their own quietly masked way, support them in their endeavours in the hope of never becoming the target to the persons cruelty themselves. 

Abusers wont let apath’s off for it when they need another target, and will happily discard them in the same way as anyone else when they can no longer be used.

There is a high trend for acceptance of cruelty being created by people who think that they are doing the right thing, being all encompassing loving all human beings.

Psychologically that can help them cope if they have been victims of abuse themselves in life, with a situation which I know very well of experience wise, called Stockholm Syndrome being the culprit.

If you have been a victim of abuse and supporters of abusers are hurting you inside, that is completely valid and correct way to feel. I would hug you if I could, and say that you are in a fantastic state of mind, whilst those who are continuing the trail of cruelty are not.

Stay blessed :-)

© Saturday 19th Feb 2022

My parents: what trauma?

Me: uh-