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unfortunately i'm back at uni
I genuinely was dreading this since the day I landed back home. I am still considering dropping out, taking a semester or year off, and just returning home. Worse case, I'll transfer to a uni back home and have no friends, but at least I'll be home with my family, and somewhere that's familiar, and I know by heart. Another part of me wants to stay and battle it out (also, I'm afraid of what others will think of me if I drop out/take a break). I went through so much my first year, and I'm afraid of going through them again. Depression sucks! Anyways, classes start in a few days, and I'm so stressed about it. I made a deal with myself to last the first month and then decide if I wanted to go back home. Hopefully I'm better mentally by then so I can stay here without being worried that I would be a danger to myself, If I am then I'm going back home to get proper help and to be with family.
I desperately miss my cats.
my "lacy" or "heather" is my best friend, she doesn't think she's important but she doesn't realize that the world revolves around her, all the boys fall in love with her, and all the girls want to be her, half of my class installed Twitter JUST to stalk her tweets, it's very tiring being her friend because despite her having everything and everyone around her she still thinks that no one likes her, the worst of all is that she is extremely nice to me when it's just the two of us, but when our other friends are around she treats me badly, it's so exhausting being friends with her
Outfit inspiration 4 interview with modelling agency
Good morning, blog. Got an interview with an agency at 2 pm and i'm literally extremely nervous even though i've done plenty of castings & modelling work in the past but it's better to be prepared. I'm thinking I should put the ankle boots & skinny jeans combo to use with this. Currently BLASTING music in an attempt to get my mood up.
A lil life update:
Academic: Not gonna lie my grades slipped a little bit at the beginning. I was trying to adjust to this new routine, and being away for the first time, it was a lot. However I am getting back to my old study habits, and still plan on making the Deans lists. I just had a few setbacks thats all :) That being said, I have been cold called twice now, and every single time I get called on, I embarrass myself because I do not know the answer. I know the answer every other time but my nerves get the best of me. But on the bright side, it builds character and I only have several more weeks of this. This school year honestly is going by pretty fast.
Relationships: Making friends has never been so damn hard. I am very introverted and a little bit socially awkward so making friends this new year was definitely.....Don't get me wrong, I made some, but it took some time. One of my goals next semester and next school year is to put myself out more. I already have a little group I see every week so thats been fun. One of the people I met is a guy. I met him really early on actually, like the second or third day of school. However he gives me the CREEPS. He is so touchy and he honestly cringes me out. He talks about wanting to cuddle and stuff, and it makes me physically gag. Like have you ever gotten a gut feeling that someone is full of shit and you shouldn't trust them. Thats exactly what he gives me. The other day I was sitting with my friends, and unfortunately for me everyone here knows the same people. Anyways he was there and when his male friends kept coming he kept wanting to get more physical with me and around me. Wanted to hug 3-4 times, stood right next to me, hell he even whispered in my ear. Like it felt very much territorial. I would never and I mean NEVER date him. I feel like if I did I'll end up on a T-shirt saying R.I.P. Enough about him, there is this boy that I do like. We are in the same class, but the class is so huge I cant always see him. What's funny is that I accidentally spotted him one time a few weeks ago. For most of this year, I was sitting all the way at the back so I could be on my phone, however one day I came in late and we happened to be watching a film (and someone took my unassigned assigned seat), so I decided to sit at the front. I ended up sitting in front of this group of boys but I didn't look at them at anything because honestly I didn't care. But while the film was going they were making side remarks about it, and I just wanted to match the voices I was hearing with a face. And that I did. To be quite honest with y'all the whole friend group is attractive. I haven't had a crush in a long time, and having crushes just make school a little more fun.
Anyways, thats my little update for now.
"Crecí siendo la niña callada que escondía sus sentimientos al fondo de sus costillas y amarraba sus ideas detrás de sus ojos. Todo por miedo a ser demasiado. Sin embargo, siempre lo fui.
No sé sentir poco. Cuando un atardecer mezcla sus colores no sé contenerme las lágrimas. Cuando una pareja de ancianos se toma de la mano no sé apagar mi sonrisa. Cuando la lluvia me visita tras la ventana no puedo evitar habitar a la nostalgia.
Cuando me gusta o interesa un tema, puedo obsesionarme con él por semanas. Investigarlo. Devorarlo. Hacerlo mío. No me gustan las cosas a medias. Lo mismo pasa con mi risa. Es ruidosa. Nunca una media sonrisa. Siempre con la boca abierta, los dientes de fuera y sosteniendo mi panza. No puedo experimentar a la vida a medias. Se siente poco natural.
Puedo pasar horas sentada frente al televisor si una serie me cautiva. Puedo escuchar la misma canción una y otra vez porque me hizo sentir algo y quiero volver a esa sensación en mi cuerpo.
Soy demasiado observadora. Veo todo y quizás a veces demás. Soy demasiado intensa. Mi rostro y mis manos hablan antes que mi boca. No lo puedo evitar. Soy demasiado empática. Lloro con los animales. Río con la naturaleza. Me recargo con el silencio. Soy, en realidad, demasiado suave y que dicha serlo en una sociedad que nos quiera duras ante la vida.
Es nuevo esto. Poder enumerar las cosas que soy sin vergüenza o miedo a serlas. Es liberador gritar al viento que ser demasiado no es una cadena. Al menos no ahora. En realidad nunca lo fue, pero me hicieron creer que ser una chica que siente demasiado no está bien.
Verás. Las chicas que sentimos demasiado somos las locas, las intensas, las raras. Nos hacemos amigas del fuego. Soltamos los miedos al mar. Sostenemos el corazón de nuestras amigas en la palma de la mano para que a ellas no les pese tanto. Creemos en el amor, no como algo que existe allá afuera sino como alguien que vive aquí adentro.
Las chicas que sentimos demasiado nos hemos puesto muchas máscaras. Nos escondemos o viajamos a través de los libros. Conectamos desde la raíz porque no sabemos quedarnos en la superficie. Leemos poesía para acompañarnos en lo que sentimos. Escribimos como camino para comprender quienes somos.
Sentimos mucho y eso es un regalo.
Nunca serás demasiado para la persona correcta.
Por mucho tiempo quise sentir menos, pero si lo hiciera no sería yo. Así que si eres una chica/mujer que siente con cada parte de su ser, te abrazo. Tienes un don en las manos, aprende a habitarlo."
Blanca Quiñoñez
Estaba leyendo cosas en Substack y encontré esto. Vayan a seguir a Blanca Quiñoñez.
Los leo. Besos. 💙